Series Her- Mary's Story

My name is Mary, I am a drug addict and a alcoholic. I was the third oldest out of eight children.  I had a great childhood our family was very close I don't ever remember anything bad happening, I do remember feeling different I never felt like I fit I I never felt a part of

I was painfully shy. I had my first drink at age 12 on my way to our 7th grade dance I remember feeling pretty I remember feeling like I fit in I remember feeling a part of!! I felt great! I also got so sick!! As I was throwing up, I looked up at my friend and I said I can't wait to do this again! I also remember the look on her face like I was crazy. But I really could not wait to feel like that again. I started experimenting with other drugs and drinking on the weekend then whenever I could I wanted to be high all the time I never wanted to be me I hated being me.

I graduated from High school I have no idea how. And I got married the following year to the "man of my dreams", only I didn't know he was the man of dreams at that time. We used drugs and drank. It wasn't a good marriage, I ran home to my parents house when things didn't go my way we always went back. One of the times I left, thinking I would see him again, he was killed on the job. I couldn't believe this was happening to me. I was devastated my whole world was shattered. I didn't want to live. Omg! I still cry when I think about it. It still hurts.

My way to deal with it was to use and boy did I use. Six days after Joe died my sister Peggy was killed by a drunk driver. I could not believe this was happening AGAIN. I stayed high through it all. I had a daughter 3 years later thought that would cure me, I lost custody of her so my drug use got worse. I was a mess. I would here people say, "If you had her life, you would be a mess too". So I kinda thought it was ok. Nobody ever expected anything from me and that was fine with me I was a horrible awful person I did not care. I hurt everbody I came in contact with. I didn't want to be here. In 1987, I was in a car accident. My sister Lenie and my niece Lexie were killed and I was driving. I was traumatized,  I couldn't believe this was happening AGAIN. So of course, I used even more. Then, 10 months later my best friend Franny and I were using and drinking and he overdosed and died. Was this really happening to me again?! Nobody could deal with me or help me. My family put me on a plane and sent me to California to my Uncle Pete's. I would stay 8 months and then come home and continue to use and to hurt people. I got pregnant and had a baby boy. When he was 3 years old, Delaware Family Services was called and the thought of losing him scared me. I had charges and was sent to 90 day program. I said to myself "I'm gonna really try this". I worked so hard in that rehab and when I got out I went to meeting and started my journey. Then, I met a guy and had another baby boy. We got married and before I knew it I had all three of kids with me, a husband and my home life was good. I wish I could say we all lived happily ever after ,but I ended up picking up drugs again.

I believe it was because I stopped working the steps. I believe I had no defense against the drug. I lost everything my boys my home my husband it was so hard for me to get back but I never stopped trying I would go in a rehab come out get 10 months and pick up I would go back and 9 months and pick up in 2004 I went to rehab while was there my sister Aggie passed away we also found out my dad had cancer so of course I thought I had to leave I remember saying to my nephew let's just get high once I came to 11 months later in that time my dad passed away and the father of my 2 granddaughters was killed I was devastated but I stayed high thats how I dealt with everything.

5 months later,  I  found myself wanting to end my life, my nephew, Brian called 911 I ended up in the hospital.  Something happened... There things began to click, I started to feel HOPE. I started to feel God again in my life. I knew He was with me and that everything was gonna be alright.The hospital got me 7 days in rehab. I started working really hard in there. Also, I started to feel My dad. My favorite guy in the world was gone, I cried in there nonstop for 3 days. I got a sponsor while I was still in rehab. She said we have to get you to God fast! And boy did she!

By the time I got out of rehab, she had me doing a 4th step. Within 3 months, I was making 9th step amends. The freedom I felt was unbelievable! I still feel that freedom today! Before long, I was working with others. Working with others is the best reward, to give back what was given to me. Today I am so blessed. My boys are in my life. If they need anything, they know that I'm here for them. My daughter is in active addiction but she knows I'm here. My granddaughters are a huge part of my life, I'm raising my grandson and I'm engaged to be married! Life is good!! In 2014 My Uncle Pete passed away and my nephew Brian killed himself. I was devastated and I am still grieving. The miracle is... I never thought about picking up a drink or a drug .I am a miracle!! Thanks for letting me share!